Lost and Confused

I visited campus today and expected for it to be so much more different than what it was...

Well it was raining but that's normal... i just felt uncomfortable there, I guess
it's because I already graduated, but the other two times that i've been on campus
since graduation were cheery... now i just cant wait to go home!...

I guess I out grew college too now!...
I think its cuz it's finals week.

I'm clicking a lot better with my family now, I'm grateful for the time that I have
had to spend with them... Sorry it's so short but just wanted to do a quick update, who knows when I'm going to get the opportunity to do it again!...

Updating my Life..

Okay, So it's been a while and I've got so much to post up here that is all me, but I can't put everything.... it won't be as deep. I just wanted to explain the way I feel without being interrupted or judged so here goes...

I'm at home with my family now. I'm happy to report that for almost a month my parents have been clean.. when I say clean I mean no ice... of course mom smokes like a pound of weed a week me and ola help to but u know... It's so nice to have a different life.. it feels different.

A few months ago I had just graduated from college and I was living with friends, I wasn't even thinking about my family. Looking back at the five years that I spent in college, makes me realize how detattched from my family I was and still am. I don't know how to explain it, but one day I just woke up and realized that my family doesn't know me. When I think about it no one really knows me the way I know me. So I went to visit my family, only to feel like this complete stranger sitting on the outside looking in at something that I have never really been a part of. It's so hard to explain the depression that I felt when I realized that I didnt really belong. When you wake up and realize that you didnt't really belong in the family that you were born into, then you feel alone.

Yes, I know I made some awesome friends who got to glimpse the real me, or goto to know me completely, but it just hurt when I realized my sisters and brothers, my mom and dad didnt get me. So right now I'm trying to work on that. I am working on getting to know my family. It's been rough we scrap out ever other day, but I love it because right now I'm closer to my family then I've ever been.

Anyway Aho.. Miss you! hehe okay well I'll write more in a couple weeks.

Grave of the Fireflies

I just watched this show called Grave of the Fireflies. It's about a boy living in Japan during the war. He loses everything, and he has to take care of his baby sister. They lose their parents, and they are forced to live with an aunt who doesn't them kind, and doesn't want them there. They end up leaving and living in a little bomb shelter that is forgotten. They are starving, yet the have fun with each other and do things like go to the beach. Finally the boy loses even his baby sister when she starves to death and then there is only him. Eventually he starves too, and they find each other again in death. I complain about having the shittiest day ever because someone wrote fake checks, cashed them in and now I'm the one stuck paying the bill. I complain because I don't know how I'm going to pay all my bills, and pay my plane ticket to come home. But I have my family. I haven't suffered losing my loved ones, and I should consider myself very lucky. I brood and sulk, and hang my sad face, yet I don't have anything to really be sad about. I feel the way the boy did, stuck but he lost so much more than I did. I can always call my sister, hug my mom, talk to my dad. He had nothing. I know it was just a show but there are people who suffer losses like that every day and now I'm just starting to feel just a little bit selfish! Who cares about money, in the end you only have each other. But what happens when you get to then end and no one else has made it there but you? I just felt for the older brother because he tried to hide his mothers death from his baby sister. He told her lies in order to spare here feelings. He told her that their mother was in the hospital recovering from her wounds and that they would go visit her when she got better. How hard is it when you are suffering, but you have to be the strong one for those who look up to you? Even when he knew that his father was killed in the war he didn't tell his baby sister because she was dying and he didn't want her to think that he was going to be alone. This was one of the saddest stories that I've ever watched. It's made me put my whole loss into perspective. I still have friends and I still have family to turn to. Even if they can't help me with my problem, they can still just be there for me for emotional support. I feel really lucky right now and I am greatly appreciative.

Am I mad at you?

When you asked me if I was mad at you I just said no.. but the truth is:
I can't really explain the way I'm feeling right now.
I don't know if I'm mad at you, or if I just want to avoid you.
Even though I haven't seen you in forever I can still avoid you!
You are my friend, but you are allowed to be mad at friends right?

I don't know whats up with me. I know that it's me and not you.
How can I expect you to change? I don't know what I expected out of you,
you always were the way you are ever since the day I met you.
Everyone always said that you'd be the way that you are.

Why didn't I just listen to them? Even though it looks like we'd think alike,
it's so obvious that we don't. How can I put this out any clearer?
I guess it's like we are made out of the same materials, you know the same stuff,
looks like we are the same brand, but we ain't. We were packaged at two
totally different companies and now it's beginning to show.
Well it always was showing, it just took the right lighting for me
to see you for what you really are. While I still do care about you
and I think that you are a good person, and I'll always be there for you
if you need me. I just don't want to be there when you don't need me.

I guess when you said that I needed you, I just thought you'd be there.
I don't know why though, I mean when were you ever there?
You always were selfish with your time. Like that since high school.
You were never there for anybody, especially when they needed you.
Since you were never there, no one ever asked you to be there for them
because they all knew you wouldn't be. I was the only one who hung
on to you, and as usual it was my mistake. So this is me, officially letting you go.
Regardless of me letting you go though, I will always be there for you.
I don't know why though, I guess it's because I was taught to never
turn my back on people... I hate that I can't leave you hanging and teach you
what it feels like on my end.

Filipino Prison...

Okay so I was looking through youtube and found this video...
It is a video clip of actual prisoners in the Philippines doing
a dance routine from Thriller... It's really great...

It sparked a lot of deep thoughts like,

How did they get them to do that?

That is a fugly girl...

Where are the guards...

I wonder what happens if you don't want to dance...

hmm.. you be the judge:

Feelings or Truth?

What is more important?


Should I tell the truth and hurt you real deep?
the kind of deep that you don't recover from?
The Kind of pain that you try to hide with a smile that never reaches your eyes?
When I see you ten years from now, you'll still look just as hurt as the day that
I told you the truth when you asked me that question.

Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad

3rd time... NOT A CHARM!

Don't know why I did it!
I knew it wasn't going to be any better, yet my expectations were SOARING.
Is it because of all this drama I had with you, you emailing me?
Do I need to convince myself that I'm over you? WTF is going on?
I look back at all the times, and every time you contacted me I went
with the next guy who offered himself to me... and Ummm U know.
But it was never this BAD.. and even though I know it's BAD... I went for a 3rd??
I trip myself out sometimes... Maybe I need to smoke a bowl and write something down
in the stoney thoughts...

You'd sure be laughing your ass off right now if you knew.
The routine was the same... Telling me how good I taste...
The thing is that I'm done in 5 minutes, and he's getting off on it, thinking I can still handle more!
I fake it as usual, while thinking the WTF am I doing here thoughts.
He's cute. But TINY... well tiny.. ha ha. I'm not lying.
Imagine a Vienna sausage, and some hair to it and then tell me if you'd be able to suck on that!
I'm afraid I'd bite it off or something! Which is why I haven't done it..
If he wanted a hand job I'd have to use 2 fingers! I think babies are born with bigger ones.
If I want to be more accurate I'd say maybe imagine
a polish hot dog, the size of a Vienna sausage since it's that size when it's hard.
cut the top off the sausage and that's probably what it looks like soft.
Probably wouldn't feel anything if he got to stick me with it!
yes, we haven't done that yet. I get over it to quickly... it explains why he always tries
to split me in half with his arm... Too afraid I won't feel the real thing..
Good thing too... I don't think the sell condoms that small, and I'd hate to get preggers
from that tiny squirt Gun... I mean water pistol.. I swear I crack myself up sometimes.
Aho's probably getting a good laugh at this!

As I was driving home, I was thinking to myself, NEVER AGAIN! Bad things happen in 3's.. and this was the third one.. so stop it.. Don't do it again.

I go home get an email from him, "same time tomorrow?"... OMG NO NO NO NO NO!

How can he not tell I don't like it that much..
maybe cuz I went back for 3rds.

Why do I do it you ask?
I've been thinking about it and can only find truly pathetic answers.

Maybe I need to feel wanted by the opposite sex, and let me tell you he wants me.
Knowing it makes me feel good in a weird way. I know it isn't love, because if it is
then it isn't mutual.
I think it is so sad and pathetic if this is true. I can't be subjecting myself to HORRID sex
just to feel wanted. How fucking pathetic is that? I can't even believe that I just thought
of that. I swear to God if that's true I need to go shoot myself in the head.

Is that what sex is for? Aside from reproducing; why do we do it?
I mean of course it feels real good... Sometimes not always.
Yet there are some losers who keep going back for more even if it's bad.

I mean I have morals here. One of them is to NEVER have bad Sex, but I've done
it 3 times. I swear I'm beginning to think it's me. He has GREAT sex.. while
I'm writing this blog about the shittiest sexual experience I've had...
It's all a matter of perception, it truly is and it's all a mystery to me.

What make it bad for me, is that when I'm done, I'm done. I'll get you off, but you don't want
me to, and I already said I'm not putting it in my mouth. You instead are content with
continuing what you've been doing to me... Which is fine, but 2 HOURS!!!???!!!
I can't take it. What do you think I'm a robot, that is made to cum again and again
without having a fucking heart attack? So finally when I make up a very convincing
excuse, and make my way to the exit, I don't understand how you can tell me that
you've had a great time, and when can we do it again?? FUCKING NEVER!
But I'm a liar, cuz I did it again didn't I?

So in order to ensure that I don't do it again, I did something slightly evil.. and
extremely stupid... I replied to his email and told him that I am getting married
this weekend and can never ever see him again.

I have no idea how I'm going to keep this lie up. I really am an idiot!~

But seriously think about how important sex is to us.
Not just any sex, Good sex.
Married couples who vow to be together till death do them part,
are cheating on each other all the time, just to be with someone
who does it better.

I need to go read Harry Potter, before this gets out of hand...
but alas my thoughts are deep and I just scared myself
into thinking I'm pathetic, wanting sex from a man even though he sucks at it.
I have now officially sworn to never do it AGAIN...
I will be honest and repost if I break my sworn oath...

WHAT IS IT?

I just wrote a whole blog about my feelings,
then low and behold an email from you.
I'm glad you ha vent found this yet.
I was thinking of linking it on my page
but never mind.

So now I got your head spinning and you are reflecting on our time we've spent together.
In your letter you asked me something that I always thought you knew the answer to,
because I told you it before, but it's weird now that you want an explanation...

You asked me if I ever truly loved you. It was easy to say yes.
Then you asked me what my definition of love is...
You caught me off guard because no one has ever asked me before...
So this is exactly what I wrote:

Love is something that you feel for another person. A deep connection that cannot be explained. You never really know why you love the person that you love. There are so many different kinds of love. But the love you want to know about, is OUR love. The love that I felt for you and you felt for me.

When people say that there is a thin line between love and hate, it's absolutely true. Some days just seeing you would make me feel soooo light, totally on cloud nine, but then some days I just couldn't stand you and I wanted to get as far away from you as possible. But it didn't mean I didn't love you. I always thought I knew the answers for questions like these, but now I find myself in deep thought, and I keep asking myself, what was it? What was it about you? I don't know. We talked, you were always there when I needed you even if I wasn't there for you. Even though you think I was always there for you, sometimes I feel bad because I wasn't. But then that wasn't the question you asked...

I loved you, I still do but its not the same because we grew apart. Every time I saw you it was like you were glowing, but that was just my love for you distorting my vision. You could never do wrong in my eyes. I mean I'd get mad at you, but I never left you hanging without an explanation. We always talked about everything, I didn't ever hide anything from you. There are things that I've told you that I would never tell another living person. I know there are things that you shared with me that you wouldn't want another person to know! You remember what it was like. We were so intense in private, ha I think that was my favorite element about us. Everyone always thought that we were this laid back couple, and no one really every knew how close we were because we were intensely intimate when we were alone. I don't mean it in the way you are thinking... and trust me I know how you think. You remember, when we'd talk and ask each other deep questions... Like this one that I'm answering for you now. We had laughs. You were always my favorite person to laugh with. If I couldn't laugh with you then it would never have worked out. I think that was one of our key elements.

I don't really know if this was the kind of answer you were looking for but I try. Anyway a shorter version of my Love is this: You made me feel something that I haven't really felt with another person ever. I can't explain it, but it was good, really good. When I think about what we had I don't feel a sense of loss like you do, I feel good. (really good ha!) Not good because it's over, but good because it even happened. Do you know how many people live their entire lives without ever finding that feeling with someone? If I never get to experience that feeling again, I'd be lucky just to say that I had it with you. I know you want to get back into that mode where we were, but I'm just not ready for that right now. I know it's a lame excuse considering my feelings for you, but I just like being independent. I hope that you can respect that.

I really hate reminiscing about us. You are definitely a whole book in my life. I know the end isn't written in stone yet but I'm glad to have heard from you and to know that you are doing well.

Regardless about what you may think, I do miss you. I'm sorry about everything, and thanks for apologizing to me too. I never realized till now that this was the first time after everything that you truly apologized for what happened. It's good to hear. I'll keep in touch don't worry, I just don't want to get sucked back into that hole we just climbed out of.

So anyway that was a part of my reply back... It's really trippy because after all that I still don't even know what I was trying to say.

Hillary or Barack

I know I said I don't give a fuck about politics... but seriously this is highly interesting..

First female President

of

First Black President

Is America ready for either? You cant help but show
a little interest in it.

I'm wondering if it will be Rudy to win... I mean the third
candidate never wins... but America is too scared to pick a woman
or a black man
so we'll probably just go with the third guy. He's white, in the right age range.. don't know anything about him but who cares... we cant have a woman or a black guy run our country!

Personally I think either of them will do a good job America needs change!
I'm against Rudy...

The best thing to do though is to get informed... So here is an informational Video that is very enjoyable and educational at the same time.. Aho I think u should watch it...

Feelings

I thought of you last night and I couldn't stop it.
I started to think about us, and what if things were different.
I know you'd get a real kick out of it.
Me actually thinking with real feelings.
I remember teasing you about how gay you were because you always wanted to go and "dance in the moonlight" WITH ME! ha ha imagine me trying to dance to the song that you always said that we'd both know because our hearts were beating to the same beat.
Wow when I read it now, it sounds like a really sweet thing to say to a girl.
But when you said those words to me, it just sounded ludicrous!!!
I laughed in your face and you kind of got mad about it but then you were over it.
Every time I tell someone "our story" it feels like I'm not even really the girl that was in it.
It feels like I'm not the girl that the guy was in love with. I'm not the girl that broke his heart.
It feels like I'm the girl who laughed about it afterward. So now I know what you meant when you said it the last time we talked.
I know its too little too late, but I feel bad about what happened. I know at the time when I was feeling the way that I felt, I had a reason for feeling that way. But now when I look back at it, it all seems silly. Its so hard to believe that you stuck by me all that time. I guess I finally realize what I had, but I don't mean to be hurtful when I say that I don't want it back right now. I'm glad you'll probably never read this because if you ever confronted me with what I just said, about how I felt, I'd probably die. I think its just the roll that I have to play. I mean I need to play the roll of the girl that's got the heart of ice. You know the girl who doesn't care about anything, and the girl who only cries when I'm laughing. You understand. You always did. You always knew that when I laughed about how gay your romantic ideals were; that i was just playing. You knew I liked it even though I always said I didn't. I'm sure of it because if you thought I didn't like it then you would have stopped. But the thing is that you never did stop. Thank you.