Feelings

I thought of you last night and I couldn't stop it.
I started to think about us, and what if things were different.
I know you'd get a real kick out of it.
Me actually thinking with real feelings.
I remember teasing you about how gay you were because you always wanted to go and "dance in the moonlight" WITH ME! ha ha imagine me trying to dance to the song that you always said that we'd both know because our hearts were beating to the same beat.
Wow when I read it now, it sounds like a really sweet thing to say to a girl.
But when you said those words to me, it just sounded ludicrous!!!
I laughed in your face and you kind of got mad about it but then you were over it.
Every time I tell someone "our story" it feels like I'm not even really the girl that was in it.
It feels like I'm not the girl that the guy was in love with. I'm not the girl that broke his heart.
It feels like I'm the girl who laughed about it afterward. So now I know what you meant when you said it the last time we talked.
I know its too little too late, but I feel bad about what happened. I know at the time when I was feeling the way that I felt, I had a reason for feeling that way. But now when I look back at it, it all seems silly. Its so hard to believe that you stuck by me all that time. I guess I finally realize what I had, but I don't mean to be hurtful when I say that I don't want it back right now. I'm glad you'll probably never read this because if you ever confronted me with what I just said, about how I felt, I'd probably die. I think its just the roll that I have to play. I mean I need to play the roll of the girl that's got the heart of ice. You know the girl who doesn't care about anything, and the girl who only cries when I'm laughing. You understand. You always did. You always knew that when I laughed about how gay your romantic ideals were; that i was just playing. You knew I liked it even though I always said I didn't. I'm sure of it because if you thought I didn't like it then you would have stopped. But the thing is that you never did stop. Thank you.