Lost and Confused

I visited campus today and expected for it to be so much more different than what it was...

Well it was raining but that's normal... i just felt uncomfortable there, I guess
it's because I already graduated, but the other two times that i've been on campus
since graduation were cheery... now i just cant wait to go home!...

I guess I out grew college too now!...
I think its cuz it's finals week.

I'm clicking a lot better with my family now, I'm grateful for the time that I have
had to spend with them... Sorry it's so short but just wanted to do a quick update, who knows when I'm going to get the opportunity to do it again!...

Updating my Life..

Okay, So it's been a while and I've got so much to post up here that is all me, but I can't put everything.... it won't be as deep. I just wanted to explain the way I feel without being interrupted or judged so here goes...

I'm at home with my family now. I'm happy to report that for almost a month my parents have been clean.. when I say clean I mean no ice... of course mom smokes like a pound of weed a week me and ola help to but u know... It's so nice to have a different life.. it feels different.

A few months ago I had just graduated from college and I was living with friends, I wasn't even thinking about my family. Looking back at the five years that I spent in college, makes me realize how detattched from my family I was and still am. I don't know how to explain it, but one day I just woke up and realized that my family doesn't know me. When I think about it no one really knows me the way I know me. So I went to visit my family, only to feel like this complete stranger sitting on the outside looking in at something that I have never really been a part of. It's so hard to explain the depression that I felt when I realized that I didnt really belong. When you wake up and realize that you didnt't really belong in the family that you were born into, then you feel alone.

Yes, I know I made some awesome friends who got to glimpse the real me, or goto to know me completely, but it just hurt when I realized my sisters and brothers, my mom and dad didnt get me. So right now I'm trying to work on that. I am working on getting to know my family. It's been rough we scrap out ever other day, but I love it because right now I'm closer to my family then I've ever been.

Anyway Aho.. Miss you! hehe okay well I'll write more in a couple weeks.

Grave of the Fireflies

I just watched this show called Grave of the Fireflies. It's about a boy living in Japan during the war. He loses everything, and he has to take care of his baby sister. They lose their parents, and they are forced to live with an aunt who doesn't them kind, and doesn't want them there. They end up leaving and living in a little bomb shelter that is forgotten. They are starving, yet the have fun with each other and do things like go to the beach. Finally the boy loses even his baby sister when she starves to death and then there is only him. Eventually he starves too, and they find each other again in death. I complain about having the shittiest day ever because someone wrote fake checks, cashed them in and now I'm the one stuck paying the bill. I complain because I don't know how I'm going to pay all my bills, and pay my plane ticket to come home. But I have my family. I haven't suffered losing my loved ones, and I should consider myself very lucky. I brood and sulk, and hang my sad face, yet I don't have anything to really be sad about. I feel the way the boy did, stuck but he lost so much more than I did. I can always call my sister, hug my mom, talk to my dad. He had nothing. I know it was just a show but there are people who suffer losses like that every day and now I'm just starting to feel just a little bit selfish! Who cares about money, in the end you only have each other. But what happens when you get to then end and no one else has made it there but you? I just felt for the older brother because he tried to hide his mothers death from his baby sister. He told her lies in order to spare here feelings. He told her that their mother was in the hospital recovering from her wounds and that they would go visit her when she got better. How hard is it when you are suffering, but you have to be the strong one for those who look up to you? Even when he knew that his father was killed in the war he didn't tell his baby sister because she was dying and he didn't want her to think that he was going to be alone. This was one of the saddest stories that I've ever watched. It's made me put my whole loss into perspective. I still have friends and I still have family to turn to. Even if they can't help me with my problem, they can still just be there for me for emotional support. I feel really lucky right now and I am greatly appreciative.

Am I mad at you?

When you asked me if I was mad at you I just said no.. but the truth is:
I can't really explain the way I'm feeling right now.
I don't know if I'm mad at you, or if I just want to avoid you.
Even though I haven't seen you in forever I can still avoid you!
You are my friend, but you are allowed to be mad at friends right?

I don't know whats up with me. I know that it's me and not you.
How can I expect you to change? I don't know what I expected out of you,
you always were the way you are ever since the day I met you.
Everyone always said that you'd be the way that you are.

Why didn't I just listen to them? Even though it looks like we'd think alike,
it's so obvious that we don't. How can I put this out any clearer?
I guess it's like we are made out of the same materials, you know the same stuff,
looks like we are the same brand, but we ain't. We were packaged at two
totally different companies and now it's beginning to show.
Well it always was showing, it just took the right lighting for me
to see you for what you really are. While I still do care about you
and I think that you are a good person, and I'll always be there for you
if you need me. I just don't want to be there when you don't need me.

I guess when you said that I needed you, I just thought you'd be there.
I don't know why though, I mean when were you ever there?
You always were selfish with your time. Like that since high school.
You were never there for anybody, especially when they needed you.
Since you were never there, no one ever asked you to be there for them
because they all knew you wouldn't be. I was the only one who hung
on to you, and as usual it was my mistake. So this is me, officially letting you go.
Regardless of me letting you go though, I will always be there for you.
I don't know why though, I guess it's because I was taught to never
turn my back on people... I hate that I can't leave you hanging and teach you
what it feels like on my end.

Filipino Prison...

Okay so I was looking through youtube and found this video...
It is a video clip of actual prisoners in the Philippines doing
a dance routine from Thriller... It's really great...

It sparked a lot of deep thoughts like,

How did they get them to do that?

That is a fugly girl...

Where are the guards...

I wonder what happens if you don't want to dance...

hmm.. you be the judge:

Feelings or Truth?

What is more important?


Should I tell the truth and hurt you real deep?
the kind of deep that you don't recover from?
The Kind of pain that you try to hide with a smile that never reaches your eyes?
When I see you ten years from now, you'll still look just as hurt as the day that
I told you the truth when you asked me that question.

Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad

3rd time... NOT A CHARM!

Don't know why I did it!
I knew it wasn't going to be any better, yet my expectations were SOARING.
Is it because of all this drama I had with you, you emailing me?
Do I need to convince myself that I'm over you? WTF is going on?
I look back at all the times, and every time you contacted me I went
with the next guy who offered himself to me... and Ummm U know.
But it was never this BAD.. and even though I know it's BAD... I went for a 3rd??
I trip myself out sometimes... Maybe I need to smoke a bowl and write something down
in the stoney thoughts...

You'd sure be laughing your ass off right now if you knew.
The routine was the same... Telling me how good I taste...
The thing is that I'm done in 5 minutes, and he's getting off on it, thinking I can still handle more!
I fake it as usual, while thinking the WTF am I doing here thoughts.
He's cute. But TINY... well tiny.. ha ha. I'm not lying.
Imagine a Vienna sausage, and some hair to it and then tell me if you'd be able to suck on that!
I'm afraid I'd bite it off or something! Which is why I haven't done it..
If he wanted a hand job I'd have to use 2 fingers! I think babies are born with bigger ones.
If I want to be more accurate I'd say maybe imagine
a polish hot dog, the size of a Vienna sausage since it's that size when it's hard.
cut the top off the sausage and that's probably what it looks like soft.
Probably wouldn't feel anything if he got to stick me with it!
yes, we haven't done that yet. I get over it to quickly... it explains why he always tries
to split me in half with his arm... Too afraid I won't feel the real thing..
Good thing too... I don't think the sell condoms that small, and I'd hate to get preggers
from that tiny squirt Gun... I mean water pistol.. I swear I crack myself up sometimes.
Aho's probably getting a good laugh at this!

As I was driving home, I was thinking to myself, NEVER AGAIN! Bad things happen in 3's.. and this was the third one.. so stop it.. Don't do it again.

I go home get an email from him, "same time tomorrow?"... OMG NO NO NO NO NO!

How can he not tell I don't like it that much..
maybe cuz I went back for 3rds.

Why do I do it you ask?
I've been thinking about it and can only find truly pathetic answers.

Maybe I need to feel wanted by the opposite sex, and let me tell you he wants me.
Knowing it makes me feel good in a weird way. I know it isn't love, because if it is
then it isn't mutual.
I think it is so sad and pathetic if this is true. I can't be subjecting myself to HORRID sex
just to feel wanted. How fucking pathetic is that? I can't even believe that I just thought
of that. I swear to God if that's true I need to go shoot myself in the head.

Is that what sex is for? Aside from reproducing; why do we do it?
I mean of course it feels real good... Sometimes not always.
Yet there are some losers who keep going back for more even if it's bad.

I mean I have morals here. One of them is to NEVER have bad Sex, but I've done
it 3 times. I swear I'm beginning to think it's me. He has GREAT sex.. while
I'm writing this blog about the shittiest sexual experience I've had...
It's all a matter of perception, it truly is and it's all a mystery to me.

What make it bad for me, is that when I'm done, I'm done. I'll get you off, but you don't want
me to, and I already said I'm not putting it in my mouth. You instead are content with
continuing what you've been doing to me... Which is fine, but 2 HOURS!!!???!!!
I can't take it. What do you think I'm a robot, that is made to cum again and again
without having a fucking heart attack? So finally when I make up a very convincing
excuse, and make my way to the exit, I don't understand how you can tell me that
you've had a great time, and when can we do it again?? FUCKING NEVER!
But I'm a liar, cuz I did it again didn't I?

So in order to ensure that I don't do it again, I did something slightly evil.. and
extremely stupid... I replied to his email and told him that I am getting married
this weekend and can never ever see him again.

I have no idea how I'm going to keep this lie up. I really am an idiot!~

But seriously think about how important sex is to us.
Not just any sex, Good sex.
Married couples who vow to be together till death do them part,
are cheating on each other all the time, just to be with someone
who does it better.

I need to go read Harry Potter, before this gets out of hand...
but alas my thoughts are deep and I just scared myself
into thinking I'm pathetic, wanting sex from a man even though he sucks at it.
I have now officially sworn to never do it AGAIN...
I will be honest and repost if I break my sworn oath...